One thing I always think about on Good Friday is how, if you are Christian, that Jesus Christ's conviction and crucifixion is the first recorded wrongful conviction. It would be the first record of an innocent man being put to death; proof of the inherent and unavoidable imperfect administration of the death penalty.
I can't wrap my head around how a person could support the death penalty anyway, but the fact that many of the states that impose the death penalty are full of "Christians" seems to me quite ironic.
Anyway, we are dyeing Easter eggs tonight. And I suppose that creepy bunny might bring Johan some chocolate on Sunday.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Food Blog
My firiend Roisin is one of the best cooks I know and is absolutely the best baker I know. I have great news for all of us. She has started a food blog called Cracking the Egg. Check it out on the side bar..
Cheers and happy eating!
Cheers and happy eating!
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Johanish
The things he says are so funny...I've got to write them down. Some material previously published to fb.
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Me: Johan, why is your window down?
Johan: I was pretending I had a baby and it threw a fit, so I threw it out the window.
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Me: What did you learn in school today?
Johan: If Europe crashed into Earth, that would be a big problem.
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Johan: Mom, what planet does Sarah live on? Still Arizona?
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Uncle David: Johan, do you know anyone named John and Evelyn?
Johan: No.
Uncle David: Maybe some people who live with Bergen?
Johan: Oh, BERGEN! Yes that's right, John and Evelyn live with Bergen.
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Johan: Guess what, mama?
Me: What?
Johan: They have soy milk at school!
Me: Wow.
Johan: Actually, it's not milk. Soy is not a mammal.
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Me: Johan, why is your window down?
Johan: I was pretending I had a baby and it threw a fit, so I threw it out the window.
----------
Me: What did you learn in school today?
Johan: If Europe crashed into Earth, that would be a big problem.
----------
Johan: Mom, what planet does Sarah live on? Still Arizona?
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Uncle David: Johan, do you know anyone named John and Evelyn?
Johan: No.
Uncle David: Maybe some people who live with Bergen?
Johan: Oh, BERGEN! Yes that's right, John and Evelyn live with Bergen.
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Johan: Guess what, mama?
Me: What?
Johan: They have soy milk at school!
Me: Wow.
Johan: Actually, it's not milk. Soy is not a mammal.
---------
Thursday, March 1, 2012
There is no map.
It’s easy to feel solidarity with other people who are getting or have been divorced. The commonness of the experience, as with any common experience, makes people feel close, like they understand one another, and that it must be similar circumstances that brought them to this point. To a certain degree, that’s true. Divorce is the culmination of two people who used to want to be together who no longer are able to be together. That’s about all that’s guaranteed to be the same across all (at least most) divorces.
Sometimes I find myself trying to draw more similarities between myself and my situation and other people’s. I don’t quite know why. Perhaps it is because there is an element of the unknown. I grew up a divorced kid but my situation now is very different than that one. My dad never left me. Ever. There was no long distance parenting. There was house switching and complicated scheduling. I don’t have any of that as a divorced parent. So, I wonder if part of what I’m searching for in trying to find similarities to other situations is to get some kind of a rough guide as to how this can and will work out. It’s like wanting something akin to advice, but more like proof that people in same or similar circumstances can make things work, find new love, be happy, raise well-adjusted, loving, caring children.
I met a woman a few weeks ago who has a 12 year old son. She lives in Florida. Her ex lives in Illinois. The kid has a great relationship with his stepdad and sees his biological dad once in a while. Not exactly the same as my life, but a little bit, maybe. I felt close to her- like we had a bond over this experience. She was thankfully willing to share with me how her life came to be what it is. It wasn’t advice about what I should or should not do, but just reassurance that even non-ideal divorced co-parenting situations can lead to great, empathetic, intelligent, emotionally sound kids.
Other times, trying to find too many similarities is less helpful. I don’t consider my marriage to Eduardo to be a “mistake.” Others might. I don’t really care. 22 year old me loved him and we had a great connection. I was not mature enough to realize that the ways in which we connected were not permanent or long-lasting enough. I was not mature enough to see that the ways where we differed were ways that people need to connect in order to be compatible for the long haul. I changed over the years and so did he. We became incompatible. That doesn’t mean we were wrong or it was a mistake. We were together for 11 years or something, to varying degrees. We had Johan. That’s not a mistake.
Friends of mine who were married for much shorter times have described their marriages as mistakes and lumped mine in with those. There are certainly similarities- finding and marrying partners who lack some key compatibility factors. But there are also differences- ages, time together, length of marriage (maybe that doesn’t matter since, if something was a mistake, it is a mistake from inception and cannot be anything but a mistake), length of time people in marriage were satisfied and/or happy, and of course, the child factor.
I’m not sure what all this is meant to say. Sometimes comparisons are good and comforting; other times they feel forced and inapplicable. I think that one thing that is incredibly common among young divorced women is analyzing their situations. We’re trying to figure out where we went wrong and how to go right this time. That’s probably where all the comparing stems from, and seeking and finding similarities to others who have been down this road is completely ok. At the same time, each life is a unique set of people and events. So, I can’t decide what to do next based on what someone else did. I’ve got to take the information I have from what I’ve learned in the past , what I know about myself now, and what I believe I want my future to look like, and do the best I can with that.
Sometimes I find myself trying to draw more similarities between myself and my situation and other people’s. I don’t quite know why. Perhaps it is because there is an element of the unknown. I grew up a divorced kid but my situation now is very different than that one. My dad never left me. Ever. There was no long distance parenting. There was house switching and complicated scheduling. I don’t have any of that as a divorced parent. So, I wonder if part of what I’m searching for in trying to find similarities to other situations is to get some kind of a rough guide as to how this can and will work out. It’s like wanting something akin to advice, but more like proof that people in same or similar circumstances can make things work, find new love, be happy, raise well-adjusted, loving, caring children.
I met a woman a few weeks ago who has a 12 year old son. She lives in Florida. Her ex lives in Illinois. The kid has a great relationship with his stepdad and sees his biological dad once in a while. Not exactly the same as my life, but a little bit, maybe. I felt close to her- like we had a bond over this experience. She was thankfully willing to share with me how her life came to be what it is. It wasn’t advice about what I should or should not do, but just reassurance that even non-ideal divorced co-parenting situations can lead to great, empathetic, intelligent, emotionally sound kids.
Other times, trying to find too many similarities is less helpful. I don’t consider my marriage to Eduardo to be a “mistake.” Others might. I don’t really care. 22 year old me loved him and we had a great connection. I was not mature enough to realize that the ways in which we connected were not permanent or long-lasting enough. I was not mature enough to see that the ways where we differed were ways that people need to connect in order to be compatible for the long haul. I changed over the years and so did he. We became incompatible. That doesn’t mean we were wrong or it was a mistake. We were together for 11 years or something, to varying degrees. We had Johan. That’s not a mistake.
Friends of mine who were married for much shorter times have described their marriages as mistakes and lumped mine in with those. There are certainly similarities- finding and marrying partners who lack some key compatibility factors. But there are also differences- ages, time together, length of marriage (maybe that doesn’t matter since, if something was a mistake, it is a mistake from inception and cannot be anything but a mistake), length of time people in marriage were satisfied and/or happy, and of course, the child factor.
I’m not sure what all this is meant to say. Sometimes comparisons are good and comforting; other times they feel forced and inapplicable. I think that one thing that is incredibly common among young divorced women is analyzing their situations. We’re trying to figure out where we went wrong and how to go right this time. That’s probably where all the comparing stems from, and seeking and finding similarities to others who have been down this road is completely ok. At the same time, each life is a unique set of people and events. So, I can’t decide what to do next based on what someone else did. I’ve got to take the information I have from what I’ve learned in the past , what I know about myself now, and what I believe I want my future to look like, and do the best I can with that.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
On Parenting and The Lion King
A few weeks ago, Johan and I had the opportunity to see the Broadway production of The Lion King. It was phenomenal. Johan has always loved the movie, but since seeing the play, he is absolutely obsessed with it. He makes me call him Simba and he calls me Sarabi. He licks things (yeah, gross, I know but we pick our battles) and fashions manes out of scarves. If I say “Johan, you’re such a nice boy,” he says “You mean, Simba, you’re such a nice lion.” You get the idea.
Anyway, so Eduardo has decided to remain in the Dominican Republic indefinitely. This is an unfortunate decision. While it probably makes my daily life easier, it’s certainly unfair to and hard on Johan. Johan misses him. I’d been struggling to figure out a way to discuss it with Johan. I’ve been honest with him that his papa is living in the DR now, but that his papa loves him and will always love him. Those words are not particularly comforting to a 4 year old who doesn't understand why he's gone.
Yesterday morning, Johan woke up sad and somewhat tearful. He climbed in my lap and told me that he missed his papa. It occurred to me that maybe I could take this Lion King interest and help frame the issues for Johan. I told Johan that his papa is not gone in the same was Mufasa was gone because Eduardo is not dead, but that the sadness that he feels is probably very similar to the sadness Simba felt when Mufasa was gone. I went on to point out that Simba still had Sarabi, and that he found other animals to be his family. They took care of each other and were happy. It wasn’t a replacement for Mufasa but Simba was able to find happiness even though he missed Mufasa. Johan said: “Yes! He found Pumba and Timon!” Exactly, I said. “So who could be your Pumba and Timon?”
“How about Andrew and Uncle David?”
“I think those are perfect ideas. And you always have your Sarabi.”
“I love you, Sarabi.”
“I love you too, Simba.”
And that was how it went. My tearful boy hugged me tight and smiled. It was sort of a proud moment for me in parenting for a couple reasons. I was kind of impressed with myself for being able to frame it in a way that was interesting to him and allowed him to identify with Simba, since he’s doing that anyhow. More importantly, I am impressed with Johan for being able to appreciate and understand the metaphor, identify people in his life that can bring him happiness even though he misses his papa, and that he was able to have a quite mature and complex discussion about feelings.
I don’t pretend the issues are solved. They never will be. But, it seems to me that’s ok. The goal isn’t to have a problem-free existence, but to be able to have open and honest communication about how we feel. Sadness happens but so does joy, if we remember to look for it. Hakuna Matata.
Anyway, so Eduardo has decided to remain in the Dominican Republic indefinitely. This is an unfortunate decision. While it probably makes my daily life easier, it’s certainly unfair to and hard on Johan. Johan misses him. I’d been struggling to figure out a way to discuss it with Johan. I’ve been honest with him that his papa is living in the DR now, but that his papa loves him and will always love him. Those words are not particularly comforting to a 4 year old who doesn't understand why he's gone.
Yesterday morning, Johan woke up sad and somewhat tearful. He climbed in my lap and told me that he missed his papa. It occurred to me that maybe I could take this Lion King interest and help frame the issues for Johan. I told Johan that his papa is not gone in the same was Mufasa was gone because Eduardo is not dead, but that the sadness that he feels is probably very similar to the sadness Simba felt when Mufasa was gone. I went on to point out that Simba still had Sarabi, and that he found other animals to be his family. They took care of each other and were happy. It wasn’t a replacement for Mufasa but Simba was able to find happiness even though he missed Mufasa. Johan said: “Yes! He found Pumba and Timon!” Exactly, I said. “So who could be your Pumba and Timon?”
“How about Andrew and Uncle David?”
“I think those are perfect ideas. And you always have your Sarabi.”
“I love you, Sarabi.”
“I love you too, Simba.”
And that was how it went. My tearful boy hugged me tight and smiled. It was sort of a proud moment for me in parenting for a couple reasons. I was kind of impressed with myself for being able to frame it in a way that was interesting to him and allowed him to identify with Simba, since he’s doing that anyhow. More importantly, I am impressed with Johan for being able to appreciate and understand the metaphor, identify people in his life that can bring him happiness even though he misses his papa, and that he was able to have a quite mature and complex discussion about feelings.
I don’t pretend the issues are solved. They never will be. But, it seems to me that’s ok. The goal isn’t to have a problem-free existence, but to be able to have open and honest communication about how we feel. Sadness happens but so does joy, if we remember to look for it. Hakuna Matata.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Happy Valentine's Day
This is the one time of year I get crafty. Sunday afternoon, my brother, Johan, and I sat at the table while sun slanted in through the windows. We designed, traced, and cut 30 valentines for Johan to bring to school today. We joked and laughed. We listened to Dessa. Johan knows the words to "The Chaconne."
Life is looking bright. Happy Valentine's Day.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
SA + The Air
I’ve been meaning to write for quite some time about my upcoming trip to South Africa. There are at least 4 major reasons why I’m excited for this adventure set to begin on May 17, 2012.
1) I’ve never been to South Africa or Mozambique and I love being new places as well as marking off notches on my travel-the-world belt.
2) I’m going to see Moira’s (not so) new life and finally meet Gabor, her fiancé.
3) I’m going to spend 10 days with Sarah, Sylia, Moira, and for a few days Susie. These are 4 of my favorite people on the planet. Sarah, Sylia, and Moira have all gotten engaged in the past 6 weeks. I will be bringing along a video camera to document the new reality series, “Bridezilla: African Adventure.”
4) This one might be the most important. I used to take off to new places at the drop of a hat. Nothing could stop me from jetting off to explore. My life has changed a lot since my early 20s and so, at least until I’m retired and Johan’s in college, I’m not going to have the same freedom of movement. Responsibilities are good. I have the most amazing kid and a job I love. I wouldn’t trade them in even for free round-the-world travel until the end of time. But, once I ended up on my own last year, I realized that I had fallen away from many things that were once important, or even defining, for me. One of those was international travel. I realized all I ever did was go to the Dominican Republic to see my in-laws. Not a bad trip, but not an adventure. What about what I want to do? What moves me? When Susie moved to Mozambique, just a 4 hour drive from Moira’s home in Johannesburg, I thought to myself, the old Kristina would have been on a plane straight away to have a new adventure. (This is not “ The New Adventures of Old Christine”). After talking with Sarah about it, we decided to go. And, of course, take our 3rd brother, Sylia, with us. So, I feel like this trip represents something bigger than the actual days or dollar amount. It’s me reclaiming, if only a little bit, some pieces of me that I let fall by the wayside while I was married to Eduardo. I’m still a lawyer and I’m still Johan’s mom. Those things haven’t changed and they never will. But this lawyer who is Johan’s mom sometimes is going to go on big wild adventures with her best friends and never stop pushing the limits.
So, yeah. South African and Mozambique. I can’t wait.
As referenced above, there must be something in the air, since 3 of my closest girlfriends have decided to tie the knot (knots?) since Christmas time. What lucky fellows these guys are who get to spend their lives with such extraordinary women. I better start shopping for dresses soon. And in the same vein, I’m feeling hopeful that I just may have someone to bring as my date to all these upcoming weddings. Something is in the air for me, too. I’m not engaged or even close to that, but I’m seeing someone. As that someone so concisely and wonderfully described last week, “we’re together.” And I’m sure happier than I’ve been since I can remember. I’ll take this air any day.
1) I’ve never been to South Africa or Mozambique and I love being new places as well as marking off notches on my travel-the-world belt.
2) I’m going to see Moira’s (not so) new life and finally meet Gabor, her fiancé.
3) I’m going to spend 10 days with Sarah, Sylia, Moira, and for a few days Susie. These are 4 of my favorite people on the planet. Sarah, Sylia, and Moira have all gotten engaged in the past 6 weeks. I will be bringing along a video camera to document the new reality series, “Bridezilla: African Adventure.”
4) This one might be the most important. I used to take off to new places at the drop of a hat. Nothing could stop me from jetting off to explore. My life has changed a lot since my early 20s and so, at least until I’m retired and Johan’s in college, I’m not going to have the same freedom of movement. Responsibilities are good. I have the most amazing kid and a job I love. I wouldn’t trade them in even for free round-the-world travel until the end of time. But, once I ended up on my own last year, I realized that I had fallen away from many things that were once important, or even defining, for me. One of those was international travel. I realized all I ever did was go to the Dominican Republic to see my in-laws. Not a bad trip, but not an adventure. What about what I want to do? What moves me? When Susie moved to Mozambique, just a 4 hour drive from Moira’s home in Johannesburg, I thought to myself, the old Kristina would have been on a plane straight away to have a new adventure. (This is not “ The New Adventures of Old Christine”). After talking with Sarah about it, we decided to go. And, of course, take our 3rd brother, Sylia, with us. So, I feel like this trip represents something bigger than the actual days or dollar amount. It’s me reclaiming, if only a little bit, some pieces of me that I let fall by the wayside while I was married to Eduardo. I’m still a lawyer and I’m still Johan’s mom. Those things haven’t changed and they never will. But this lawyer who is Johan’s mom sometimes is going to go on big wild adventures with her best friends and never stop pushing the limits.
So, yeah. South African and Mozambique. I can’t wait.
As referenced above, there must be something in the air, since 3 of my closest girlfriends have decided to tie the knot (knots?) since Christmas time. What lucky fellows these guys are who get to spend their lives with such extraordinary women. I better start shopping for dresses soon. And in the same vein, I’m feeling hopeful that I just may have someone to bring as my date to all these upcoming weddings. Something is in the air for me, too. I’m not engaged or even close to that, but I’m seeing someone. As that someone so concisely and wonderfully described last week, “we’re together.” And I’m sure happier than I’ve been since I can remember. I’ll take this air any day.
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