Downs and Ups

This has been a rocky week. Lots of downs and ups. I'm doing OK but it's quite exhausting. Like running bleachers at the track by Southwest High School. I haven't done that in about 12 years, but I remember how it wore me out so I felt like I couldn't even move. That's kind of how I feel right now.

The roller coaster week in review:

Started Monday by taking Eduardo to the airport at 3:30am. He is in the Dominican Republic now and will be back in Minneapolis mid-February. Sort of an UP because I'm happy for him that he can be in his place for awhile. DOWN because I started the week with a profound lack of sleep.

Monday morning continued with divorce court. DOWN. No fighting; just having to put all of the pain on the record. It was way harder than I expected and I haven't been able to shake it off. I feel like a moron for letting it get to me so much, even though it all happened exactly how I knew it would.

After court, Brianna and another friend of ours and I went to lunch and had a bottle of wine. At 11 a.m. UP. Felt good to be surrounded by two good friends who make me laugh and who don't feel weird when I cry in public.

Mid-way through lunch found out that someone we expected to come to the Vikings game with us wouldn't be able to join us because of some unforeseen circumstances. Vague enough for you? You're welcome. Anyway, the point is, DOWN.

Shortly after lunch, realized that we now had two extra tickets to the Vikings game and that since it was my Divorce Day, I had free reign to figure out how we use them. Enter Pauly and Kara. UP. Oldest dear friend in the world and his awesome wife joining RAA and me at the first outdoor Vikings home game in our lives? UP!

About 4 p.m. we headed over to TCF stadium where the Vikings are playing since the collapse of the Metrodome roof. Waiting in line in an ice storm? DOWN. in my new long underwear, wind pants, and parka while sipping Kahlua and taking pictures with my law partners? UP.




Got into the stadium and had pretty good seats in the end zone. Pauly and Kara arrived just before kick off. Wonderful energy throughout the game. Spent the evening with good friends cheering for our stupid football team. Didn't even matter that they lost. UP.





After the game, I fell into bed about midnight. I'd been up for 21 hours. Got up at 6 a.m. for work. DOWN. I can't actually remember much of my day at work due partly to being tired and partly to being out of sorts. DOWN.

Celebrated Christmas with Mom and Roger last night. Enjoyed delicious food, wonderful company, and the Charlie Brown Christmas Special. UP. And a new feather bed for my bed. UP. Got home to being unable to get in our house through the carriage walk since the plows had plowed it in again , and the neighbor teen I pay to shovel had not shoveled. Had to lug Johan and his gifts around the block to be able to get into our house. DOWN.

As for today, hotmail account was hacked and "I" apparently sent dozens of people Viagra and hot steamy love emails. DOWN.

Tomorrow? Nothing that will prevent me from wearing jeans to work. UP. Hoping to get out of work early enough to get a pedicure before leaving Friday morning for Florida to embark on the Norwegian Sun for 7 days at sea and in Mexico, Belize, Guatemala, and Key West. UP, UP, UP. And all of this with some of my favorite people. UP.

I may not write again in 2010 since I'll be on a ship in the Gulf of Mexico. Here's to a new year with plenty of UP. And if there's more running of the bleachers at the track, here's to plenty of good friends to stretch out with afterward. Movin' on up in 2011.

DADT

The Senate voted to repeal Don't Ask; Don't Tell today. I feel embarrassed to even capitalize the words and the "acronym" as I write this.

But, it's funny how civil rights legislation happens. You hope for it and demand it and vote for it, and then, when you're drinking wine with some fantastic women and not thinking about civil rights hardly at all, there it comes.

It's a little strange how I feel about this, because I really don't want Johan to be in the military in any way, shape or form for any reason, but at the same time I feel glad that if, for whatever reason he should choose that path, that he could choose it while also being whoever he is meant to be without shame or apologies.

I wonder what a woman similarly situated as I am was doing when the 1965 Voting Rights Act was passed. Was there a woman soon to be divorced who was raising a little boy? Was there a woman who wanted that little boy to grow up in a better world than the one she had known? Did she feel a shift in the universe that night? Will all of this matter?

Tonight, for whatever reason, I feel like my vote on that fateful night in November 2008 matters quite a lot.

Monsters

Me: Johan, how was your day?

Johan: Good. How was your day mommy?

Me: Well, not great. The judge is going to decide against my client and me in our court case.

Johan: What happened? Is the judge scary?

Me: No, the judge just didn't agree with us.

Johan: The judge is a little bit scary though, right?

Me: No, mommy's not scared. It's ok. Let's talk about your day.

Johan: The judge is scary, mommy. The judge is a monster.

Me: You're right.

Chair Legs

Today, B.J. and I were talking about love and loss and family and holidays over bowls of hot soup. And he asked me if Thanksgiving was very hard for me this year. And I said, no, not really. Almost all of my closest friends were in town and I had so much fun. (Side note: And this other one is going to be here in less than two weeks. Heart swoons in anticipation.)

B.J. was quiet a moment and then he said, "Most people are supported with 4 or so chair legs to hold them up, and if they lose one, well, things get wobbly. But it seems like you have about 10 chair legs in your life."

Indeed. 10 chair legs. Make no mistake: things still get wobbly, but it's a lot easier to find a new balance when the chair still has 9 legs.

#Upsides

I apologize in advance for the checklist style format recently. I realize it's a cop out from drafting actual prose, but lists are kind of how my brain has been working recently.

There is a lot of grimy muck in my world right now. Despite that, I am trying to focus on all the good stuff in life. There is plenty. I also find myself thinking about the upsides of this big upheaval. Some of them are petty and small and insignificant, but I think it's helping me through the day. Helping me get to the other side of the mountain, or at least see the view on the other side.

Without further ado, I present to you #TheUpsides. Or, Hashtag: The Upsides...

- I have a lot more closet space. My clothes are lest smushed up and wrinkly, and they are easier to find.

- There is less furniture in the house, which is particularly great in the basement because Johan has a more spacious indoor play area now. And, I am inspired to make it even cooler by having areas for legos/blocks, cars, dinosaurs etc. Having the bigger toys all in the basement will make the main floor of the house less cluttered and there will be more room in Johan's bedroom for his books. All good things.

- I don't ever dread going home, wondering if somebody is going to be in a bad mood or looking for an argument.

- There is no tension in our house. There is no animosity or distant silence. There is just Johan and me playing and laughing and chatting about what to do next. The lack of tension makes me feel more energy to take on fun experiments or random projects with Johan. My heart feels lighter and I am willing to bet Johan's does, too.

- I have a new bed which is just as firm as firm can be. All it needs is a nice plush feather bed to top it, and I will be in business. Even in spite of the turmoil recently, I have been sleeping great and I think it's all because of my new bed.

- No more main floor/living room TV. In college, we never had a TV and it was so peaceful. Well, ok, we had one at the Compound senior year, but Moira made us keep it in Sarah's closet. Finally we tricked her into keeping in the in the living room, but we had to cover it with some sort of belly dancing scarf. Anyway, while living with Eduardo, we have always had too many television sets and have had the TV on too much for my taste. I like a night of Law and Order or Family Guy as much as anyone, but TV can be such an energy-sucker. We still have one in the basement and I have one in my bedroom for watching Friends while I fall asleep, but no more on the main level. Instead, we have music. It is, at the risk of sounding dorky, glorious. I haven't listened to music at home in a long time and I haven't heard a lot of my CDs in years. In the past couple weeks, Johan has heard Manu Chau, Vivaldi, Wyclef for the first time. It puts a smile on my face and a spring in my step. It makes the house feel like a happy home.

There are more #upsides and I will probably share them as I realize them, but for now, that's a pretty good start.

Coming Clean

My thoughts have been somewhat fragmented lately, bouncing about like a small boat in a big ocean. Paragraphs seem daunting. Here's what's up.

...Eduardo and I are divorcing.

...It is the harder better road.

...We are both sad but I think somewhat relieved.

...We both love Johan more than anything and have been working very hard to rise above our own messiness to make things good for him.

...We believe that Johan will be better off with two happy parents living separately than two unhappy parents living together.

...I will continue to live in my house.

...Johan will see both Eduardo and I every week. He will go to his same school. He has dinosaurs at both of his homes.

...Even though I know Johan will be fine, I also know all too well how these decisions will affect and define him for the rest of his life. I hope these experiences will equip him to be strong and resilient. I hope it will make him a person who knows that a family is any group of people who hold each other up. I hope that he will know the courage to make changes when he needs to, knowing that he is surrounded by people who will hold him up when things are rough. I hope he will be a person who can bend and sway. I hope he will be a person who can adapt to a multitude of situations and thrive in it.

...I never thought this would be my life.

...I sort of always knew this would be my life.

...I am humbled and moved by the outpouring of support and love that I have felt from my family, my closest friends, my law partners, and even my staff.

...I am not angry anymore. My soul is a little bruised and battered from the storm, but I am not angry anymore.

Birthday Eve

Tomorrow is Johan's 3rd birthday.

Three years ago tonight, Eduardo and I decided to watch "Knocked Up" and I sat on the couch belly full of baby and mind full of anticipation to meet my son the next day.

He is more wonderful than I ever imagined. The love I have for him is more intense than any I have ever experienced. The richness that Johan brings to me. The peace that I experience when he snuggles up to me. The way my heart soars when his Lund-inherited rubber face scrunches up and his eyes sparkle. In a world that is uncertain, I am certain of this: there is no greater joy to me than loving Johan, than making his world good, than helping him become the person he is meant to be.








Happy Birthday, Pavo. Momma loves you.