Math

+



+




= the best way to spend the last days of January.

Why We Don't Do That

Johan: We don't poop in the bathtub.

Me: You're right. We don't.

Johan: Because if we do, the water is hot and then there will be hot poop.

Me: That's one of the reasons, but there are lots of other reasons we don't do that, too.

Johan: We don't want hot poop.

Me: Good point.

Johan: So don't do that.

Bar Food

I just boiled some eggs and thought of Chile.

While we were studying in Chile, my friend Roisin always carried around a travel-size transportable shaker of salt with her. She really loves salt. I would tease her about it because, really, if we were at a restaurant and the food needed salt, they would have salt shakers on the table. This was Chile, not the U.S.S.R., you know?

Then one day we found ourselves in a bar and instead of peanuts or some sort of rice cracker mix, the bar food was hard boiled eggs. And they didn't have any salt. I guess Roisin had the last laugh as I asked to borrow her travel-size salt shaker.

I can't remember the name of that bar. Huevos Bar? No, that's too easy. How do you say bizarre in Chilean?

That's all for now.

Oh, yeah, and Johan and I are leaving for the Dominican Republic on Sunday. I will be spending a few days alone while Johan and Eduardo spend some time in the campo and before my friends Brianna and Kelsey. I am armed with plenty of books, New Yorkers, and sunscreen.

Dinner Conversation

I love dinner conversation. There is nothing I'd rather do than sit with witty and bright people at a table, eating a good meal, drinking good wine, and having good conversation. And I like it best when we sit at the table long after the meal is finished, laughing and talking.

When I was growing up, in both of my homes family dinner was important. It didn't happen every night but I liked when it did. I liked talking about our days, about politics, about ideas and plans, and how my dad would conduct the conversation according to the Federal Rules of Evidence.

During my years with Eduardo, the dinner table was sometimes too quiet for me. I think there are some cultural things associated with this. My experience in the DR is that Dominicans laugh and talk over beer or a game of dominoes, and certainly at the cock fights, but that dinner is really just a time to eat. Eduardo never wanted to discuss anything deep or serious or even funny over dinner.

Then, once things were less than stellar, we often would not even eat together. Or, if we did, I felt deeply the lack of robust conversation that I longed for.

Over that past couple of months, Johan and I have been at the dinner table together. Just the two of us. Recently, he's been really engaging at the dinner table. We share about our days and a couple nights ago he told me he was disappointed that he didn't get to do the Stretch and Grow class at school because we didn't sign up. We talked about how he'd like to do that and that I would talk to the director to make sure he got registered. It was such a special moment. It seems like a pretty small thing, but represents a lot to me. It means he understands that he can change his world for the better by talking about his needs and wants in a rational way.

And all of a sudden, I have a family where dinner table conversation is again an important part of the day. Pretty soon we'll be debating legislation and discussing articles in the New Yorker, but for now I'm happy to just stretch and grow with Johan. Pour us another cup of juice.

Moving On

It's hard, you know.

New Years is one of my favorite times of the year. I like reflecting on the year just finished, and making plans and goals for the upcoming year. 2010 was a hard one. I guess every year has hard times and good times. As my previous writing documented, it was a lot of ups and downs for me. I felt emotional and vulnerable and maybe let that get the best of me.

I want 2011 to be a year of less drama. When Eduardo and I first split, Paul and I were sitting on his couch and I told him I just wanted to skip over all this. All the pain and the worry and the heartache. And he said No way. He said you have to just be in it for awhile. There are going to be some times where you have to just be in the stillness and silence and feel sad. And it will be awful. But it will slowly start to get better.

I think I spent the last couple months of 2010 trying to prove Paul wrong. Trying to skip over the really hard stuff. Then it caught up with me toward the end of December and hit me like, well, you know, bricks.

I'm fortunate that I was able to leave Minnesota for a change of scenery. While a cruise is not necessarily a relaxing environment, I did get to do some (wobbly) yoga, sleep a lot, and be near the ocean. These are all things that help center me and that help me to find clarity.

2011 will need to be a time of rebuilding myself and my life. A time of finding balance. I'm somewhere in between ok and a mess. There are going to be some times where I just have to sit in the stillness and feel sad. There's not any drama to it. There's nothing really to fix. It's a process that just has to happen so that I can get to a new version of ok. It won't look really how I'd planned, but what does?

One of the philosophical questions that I struggle with is whether everything happens for a reason. I've written about it before and I've wondered about it for as long as I can remember. There is something comforting about predestination, but at the same time, there is some injustice that makes me think predetermination is pretty sadistic, and that the world must be just a random sequence of events.

I read a Henry David Thoreau quote the other day that I think strikes some balance between destiny and randomness.

"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment."

I can't change what happened in 2010. I don't know if that was always meant to happen or not. I suppose I won't ever know that. The point is that it doesn't matter whether it's random or not. What matters is what I choose to do next. I can quiet my mind and ready myself. I can choose to find peace in the quiet.

Thanks, HDT, for some sound advice to start 2011.

Downs and Ups

This has been a rocky week. Lots of downs and ups. I'm doing OK but it's quite exhausting. Like running bleachers at the track by Southwest High School. I haven't done that in about 12 years, but I remember how it wore me out so I felt like I couldn't even move. That's kind of how I feel right now.

The roller coaster week in review:

Started Monday by taking Eduardo to the airport at 3:30am. He is in the Dominican Republic now and will be back in Minneapolis mid-February. Sort of an UP because I'm happy for him that he can be in his place for awhile. DOWN because I started the week with a profound lack of sleep.

Monday morning continued with divorce court. DOWN. No fighting; just having to put all of the pain on the record. It was way harder than I expected and I haven't been able to shake it off. I feel like a moron for letting it get to me so much, even though it all happened exactly how I knew it would.

After court, Brianna and another friend of ours and I went to lunch and had a bottle of wine. At 11 a.m. UP. Felt good to be surrounded by two good friends who make me laugh and who don't feel weird when I cry in public.

Mid-way through lunch found out that someone we expected to come to the Vikings game with us wouldn't be able to join us because of some unforeseen circumstances. Vague enough for you? You're welcome. Anyway, the point is, DOWN.

Shortly after lunch, realized that we now had two extra tickets to the Vikings game and that since it was my Divorce Day, I had free reign to figure out how we use them. Enter Pauly and Kara. UP. Oldest dear friend in the world and his awesome wife joining RAA and me at the first outdoor Vikings home game in our lives? UP!

About 4 p.m. we headed over to TCF stadium where the Vikings are playing since the collapse of the Metrodome roof. Waiting in line in an ice storm? DOWN. in my new long underwear, wind pants, and parka while sipping Kahlua and taking pictures with my law partners? UP.




Got into the stadium and had pretty good seats in the end zone. Pauly and Kara arrived just before kick off. Wonderful energy throughout the game. Spent the evening with good friends cheering for our stupid football team. Didn't even matter that they lost. UP.





After the game, I fell into bed about midnight. I'd been up for 21 hours. Got up at 6 a.m. for work. DOWN. I can't actually remember much of my day at work due partly to being tired and partly to being out of sorts. DOWN.

Celebrated Christmas with Mom and Roger last night. Enjoyed delicious food, wonderful company, and the Charlie Brown Christmas Special. UP. And a new feather bed for my bed. UP. Got home to being unable to get in our house through the carriage walk since the plows had plowed it in again , and the neighbor teen I pay to shovel had not shoveled. Had to lug Johan and his gifts around the block to be able to get into our house. DOWN.

As for today, hotmail account was hacked and "I" apparently sent dozens of people Viagra and hot steamy love emails. DOWN.

Tomorrow? Nothing that will prevent me from wearing jeans to work. UP. Hoping to get out of work early enough to get a pedicure before leaving Friday morning for Florida to embark on the Norwegian Sun for 7 days at sea and in Mexico, Belize, Guatemala, and Key West. UP, UP, UP. And all of this with some of my favorite people. UP.

I may not write again in 2010 since I'll be on a ship in the Gulf of Mexico. Here's to a new year with plenty of UP. And if there's more running of the bleachers at the track, here's to plenty of good friends to stretch out with afterward. Movin' on up in 2011.

DADT

The Senate voted to repeal Don't Ask; Don't Tell today. I feel embarrassed to even capitalize the words and the "acronym" as I write this.

But, it's funny how civil rights legislation happens. You hope for it and demand it and vote for it, and then, when you're drinking wine with some fantastic women and not thinking about civil rights hardly at all, there it comes.

It's a little strange how I feel about this, because I really don't want Johan to be in the military in any way, shape or form for any reason, but at the same time I feel glad that if, for whatever reason he should choose that path, that he could choose it while also being whoever he is meant to be without shame or apologies.

I wonder what a woman similarly situated as I am was doing when the 1965 Voting Rights Act was passed. Was there a woman soon to be divorced who was raising a little boy? Was there a woman who wanted that little boy to grow up in a better world than the one she had known? Did she feel a shift in the universe that night? Will all of this matter?

Tonight, for whatever reason, I feel like my vote on that fateful night in November 2008 matters quite a lot.