To Johan on the Occasion of Your 7th Birthday

Dear Johan:

Seven years old! There is no denying that you are a big kid now. You stand tall at 50 inches (and even taller with your new faux-hawk). You never cease to amaze me with your bright toof-less grin, your quirky sense of humor, and the love and empathy I see pour out of you every day. I often ask you at bed time what I did to deserve such a wonderful son. You always answer that we were meant to be. When we have bad days, we remind each other that some days are diamonds and some days are stones. But for me, every day I’m your mama is better than diamonds. This year saw lots of changes for us. Some were wonderful. Some broke our hearts. Through everything you have shown amazing grace.

We planned a wedding together – you, me and Dad. We chose chocolate cake and you wore a fancy vest and dancing shoes. We stood in front of our friends and family in a circle and promised to love each other and treat each other with respect and always listen to each other and always do our best for each other.   All 3 of us exchanged rings – although yours is currently missing somewhere on the living room/dance floor! Our family and friends celebrated with us as we made the family that is just right for us with Andrew. You had the best dance moves on the floor- even catching the attention of our friend and one of your favorite artists, Doomtree Collective member Dessa. Your confidence when you are dancing or telling jokes is so fun to watch. I love to look at your face as you check for your audience’s reaction.

When we sit down at dinner and hold hands to say grace, I think of the circle that we made holding hands at the wedding. Every day when we talk about our days and when we read aloud after dinner and when we collect rocks at the park and when we snuggle up with a movie and popcorn, we are keeping our promise to one another. And I promise you this, Johan, you are loved beyond measure and you always will be. This is our forever.

As we were settling into summer, still riding high on our wedding celebration, your Uncle David died. He struggled with addiction for a long time, and we had talked about how sick it can make people. None of us expected him to be gone, though.  I can’t remember ever feeling as much pain as I have this year and I am 33 years old. You were only 6. You and David had a cosmic connection- your love for one another was pure and good. I see so much of his sense of humor in you. It was hard for me to explain this horrible loss to you. When an old person dies, grown-ups can explain to kids the cycle of life. It doesn’t quite work that way when you have to say goodbye to a 27 year old. We have been grieving this year and I am so proud of the emotional maturity you have shown. The day we found out he died, I stepped out of the car and fell to my knees crying. You rushed to me and we sat in the driveway for a long time hugging. You were a six year old that understood that families take care of one another; that sometimes adults don’t feel strong and that you have the ability to comfort someone else, even when you are also sad. At Uncle David’s funeral, you saw your grandpa break down in tears during a beautiful, sad song. Without prompting or hesitation, you slipped out of the pew and crawled into Grandpa’s lap and held him close, stroking his hair. You were the ray of sunshine for the whole Lund family as we grieved. You showed us that there is no shame or need for apology when we cry. There is only need for hugging.

You asked me soon after David died what he would eat in heaven because Uncle David loves to eat. I thought for minute and I said that my Grandpa and Grandma were there waiting for him and they would make sure he always had plenty of frozen pepperoni pizza and peach sauce. They would play cards and listen to Perry Como sing Christmas songs and have banana popsicles. Your question helped me so much, Johan. It helped me know that David was ok and that my Grandma and Grandpa were there to take care of him, because that’s what families do. Since the funeral, you have helped keep David’s memory alive. We tell stories about how David would let Bergie lick his teeth. We sing the Lobster Shanty song and laugh about how David loved the Lobster Shanty so much that he was going to marry it. We know it’s ok to miss him and to cry sometimes. We try to be gentle with one another and to remember how lucky we are to have each other.

You started first grade at Kenwood School this year. Each morning you jump out of bed ready to tackle the day. You insist that we leave the house promptly at 7am so you can be first in line at the bus stop. You are a superstar reader and mathematician. I love being in the car with you or walking down the street, and all of a sudden you can read a sign that you could not just the week before! You are beginning to understand how reading opens up a whole new world to you. You are learning to play the piano. You create gorgeous paintings of fall leaves. You are getting the hang of using a computer mouse. You love dodgeball. You like to “wing it” on sharing days when you take the microphone and explain one of your treasures to your classmates. You are learning African drumming with Brother Ghana. You are learning about art history. Your teacher told me that while other kids could talk about colors or shapes in the art work, you pointed out how the lines showed the intricate life cycle of a butterfly and how the color contributes to the story of  the metamorphosis. In. Those. Words. Each day when I get home from work, I can’t wait to see and hear what you’ve learned- a new dance, a new chord, a new word, a new concept.

 You have made good friends who understand you. When Jasper came over for a play date, he brought you a picture of him eating a taco with ham and raisins in it. You both rolled on the floor laughing at this. It made my heart soar.  Keep friends like that to you close.

You became a swimming fish this summer. You spent so much time in the water. Now you can jump off the high dive and get yourself to the edge. You can swim across the pool in the deep end. You can dive for coins and rings and you have almost got a summersault mastered. You started karate in January and you have shown great commitment. You have earned 5 different belts this year and have now moved up to the big kids class. Karate has changed you: physically your balance and strength have improved. Your push-ups are now actual push-ups rather than your version of “the worm.” You have also shown commitment to the principles of your karate school- “might for right!” You practice karate with commitment. You also demonstrate maturity by not using karate outside of the studio. The look I see in your narrowed, focused eyes when learning a new kick or stance in karate is powerful. That determination will take you wherever you decide to go. I won’t always be able to just stand behind the glass partition with my coffee in hand smiling as you take on new challenges. But I know that you will always have that same determined look in your big brown eyes. That, together with your wise brain and your good heart, will serve you well.

Johan, this year has had more ups and downs than some grownups can handle. Yet, you, a 6 year old, have handled everything beautifully and still remained a spunky, goofy kiddo with a sparkle in your eye. I am so glad I get to be with you on this journey. I am so proud I am your mama. I am so proud of the person you are. You like to ask about my favorites a lot and sometimes I don’t know. Who is my favorite super hero? Uhmmm…Spider Man, I guess. What is my favorite color? I suppose turquoise. But when you ask who my favorite person in the whole wide world is? That one is easy. It’s you, Johan. Always has been. Always will be. I love you to Jupiter and to the next galaxy where the stars get stuck. Happy Birthday to you, bear.

Love,
Mom

To Johan on the Occasion of your Sixth Birthday

Dear Johan:

Tomorrow you will be 6 years old. When I think back to when you turned 5, it’s astonishing all of the change and growth that happened in the past year. For us as a family, we sold the house where you were born. We moved to a new house in a new neighborhood. You graduated from Montessori school. You started Kindergarten. You are now counting in Spanish and sometimes peppering Spanish words in your talk without realizing. You know the sounds letters make and you’re learning to put them together to form words. I love experiencing the sparks as they go off in your brain as your mind makes new connections.

You love to create things out of Legos and give them futuristic names like X-4195. You help take care of the dog and you help take care of our new home. You are a burgeoning chef and we listen to music while we cook. Sometimes we take a break to dance. Your first best friend moved away to New York. You miss him and you Skype with him but you also have made new friends in our neighborhood and at school. You wear Crocs whenever possible and you still love to play dress up. You lead us in grace at dinner time. You love to snuggle with Andrew while I read aloud to you after dinner. You love to make people laugh and you have a wry and delectable sense of humor. You are brave on the zip line at the park and you can climb to the top of the jungle gym. Andrew is teaching you to play guitar and you got a blister on your thumb from strumming so fervently. I hope that you always strum with purpose and passion.

We travelled a lot this year. At Christmas, you splashed in the waves at Vero Beach and ate fish while smelling the salty air. In the Spring, you wore jammies on the overnight flight to Amsterdam and then walked miles with us to the Anne Frank house. We drank hot chocolate in line and then you had your first lesson on World War II and the evil and the good in people. We celebrated Queen’s Day and you wore an orange crown and we rode a boat through the canals, cheering. We toured the Opera House in Budapest and saw a Hungarian horse show. We went to the thermal baths of Budapest and then ate langos with sour cream. We rode a boat down the Danube and you made friends with a South African boy in Hungary. We spent the last weekend of the summer in Wisconsin on the banks of the St. Croix. You wore a fedora and a turquoise bowtie and scattered flower petals for Sarah before she walked down the aisle. You entertained many east coast intellectuals with your hot dance moves and advanced vocabulary. In the fall, we drove to the North Shore of Lake Superior and collected rocks and leaves and played many hours of ping pong and air hockey. You are an amazing adventurer and one of my greatest joys is exploring the world hand in hand with you.

You are interested in the interplay between religion and science. Andrew’s parents gave you a small cross and you call it a “wishing cross” and you keep it in a box and wish upon it. Sometimes at dinner grace, you say you are “thankful for God” but if I ask you what that means, you won’t tell. We talk about how people believe in different things and nobody’s right or wrong. But then you pointed out that some kids in your class might need to study science because they think Jesus created people but you are sure it’s really science.


You march to your own drum. One day you wanted silver sparkles on your fingernails like superheroes have and so we got you just that. Some kids at school teased you. But you liked the way you look and would not be deterred. You wore your silver sparkles on your nails until they chipped off. I told you how proud I was of you that you know yourself so well and are so confident in yourself. Hang on tight to that, Johan. Never let anyone tell you that you are less because of how you look, what you wear, what you believe, or who you love.

You love pillow talk. We have some of our best conversations when we lay down right before you go to sleep. It’s then that you will tell me about your day in detail- the good, the bad, the funny, and everything in between. You share with me your desires and your fears and worries. We talk through it all as your head nestles into the crook of my arm. Sometimes you tickle my chin and I always kiss your forehead. We still sing together, usually 3 songs a night, and I always end with “You Are my Sunshine.” If I try to jazz up the songs, you tell me to just do it the regular way. You often hum along. One night you said you didn’t need me to snuggle you before bed. And I asked why not. You said that a boy in your class told you that big boys don’t need to be snuggled to sleep. I asked you if you believe that. You said “Well, I want you to snuggle me but he said so.” I told you that every family is different and that it was none of his business what we do and that my mom snuggled me and sang to me until I was like 12. And you said, “ok, then come on and snuggle me.” And I did. And I sang to you. And you hugged me extra close that night.

You discovered Harry Potter this year. You believe in magic. You love magic. You are magic. When you use a chopstick for a magic wand to cast a spell, your eyes glimmer with all the hope and promise in the world. I wish for you to always see the magic in the world around you-- in sunrises and sunsets, in leaves as they blow through the air, in a strong bear hug, in a good belly laugh.

Every day I am proud of the person you are. You are kind and gentle and empathetic and determined and opinionated and confident and affectionate and goofy and serious and smart and so full of wonder. Every day I am glad to be your mom. It’s my favorite thing to be and you are the most extraordinary perfect-for-our-family kid that we could ever imagine. I love you with all of my heart from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. I can’t wait for everything that comes next.

Happy Birthday, my sweet Chinook.

Love, Mama

PS. I’ll never tell you if I’m a spy or a Muggle or both.

Best Friends

Johan's best friend is moving away to Brooklyn.  Today is his last day at Montessori school. We are sad about it.  They have been inseparable for the last year and a half or so.  Their mutual love of dress-up, rough-housing, Legos, and physical comedy drew them together.  They have spent hours playing both at our house and his.  They are goofy and affectionate and kind and all the things you want your kid to find in a friend.

Johan is leaving Montessori school at the end of July and will start Kindergarten this fall.  I know he will make many new friends and  find someone that gets him as well as Nat does.  But sometimes that takes awhile.  And as Johan is about to learn, it's hard for your best friend to leave and then live far away.  Fortunately, Nat's parents are encouraging of the friendship as well...we have plans for the boys to Skype.  And since Nat will be in New York, it would be yet another excellent reason for a trip to visit Jamie and Michelle.

I think about my friendships- most of my close friends live many hours away.  Arizona, South Africa, New York, Los Angeles.  Who signed up for that?  It'd be so great to have them all be near me so I could see them every weekend for play dates. But that's never going to happen and yet the friendships carry on.  Sometimes quiet epochs followed by more frequent contact, but the relationships continue.  In Johan's few years, I think I've given him some pretty good examples of how to cultivate friendships despite big distances.  We'll keep practicing together.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that these two sweet, goofy boys who love to eat mango popsicles even in the winter and who have turned many heads as they march through the streets of Minneapolis dressed as superheroes can keep the special bond they've formed.

Still, for today we are sad to say goodbye to Johan's first real best friend.

International Travel with Kids: You Can Do It!

We are 3 days back from a magnificent trip to Amsterdam and Budapest.  Moira and Gabor’s wedding was lovely and fun and raucous and for me, very emotional.   While many of my close friends have married, this was one of  the first ones where I felt like I knew the groom on a personal level well enough to feel strongly that this was such a good match.  Not that my other friends had bad matches- only that I haven’t spent much time with their husbands-to-be.  (Roisin and Nate would be a notable exception to this).  The toasts, the slide shows, the dancing, the dry rose wine all ensured my eyes were puffy from happy tears a lot of the evening.  My arm is scraped from hugging my Moira in her spiky sequined gold dress.  I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

 There are so many stories from such an epic trip, but I want to start with Johan.   I must note that Johan is an amazing traveler.  Such a good sport.  So agreeable and open to experience the world.  I wish we could all be like him. 

 I learned a lot about travelling with a soon-to-be-school-age kid and so I’m going to share some of that new-found knowledge.

·         Take overnight flights that depart at the kid’s bedtime and dress him in his pajamas for the journey.

·         Plan just a morning and evening excursion so he has time to rest and regroup during the afternoon.

·         Every country in the world has little corner markets that sell ice cream bars.  Stop often and buy.  The kid will be able to walk at least another mile after he has one.

·         Rent an apartment rather than a hotel room.  This will give everyone space to spread out, often times a DVD player for some kid-friendly movies and downtime, and kitchen access so you don’t have to eat out at every meal.

·         Kids can find something on the menu at almost every restaurant.  But don’t limit the kid to French fries and cheese-toasties.  You’d be amazed how much goulash soup a kid can eat when that’s what is set in front of him.

·         When travelling outside the U.S., it’s ok to say yes to fruit juice more often that you would at home.

·         Don’t underestimate what a kid can appreciate.  Given the age-appropriate background information, a 5 year old can appreciate and find meaning in visits to historical sites.  We took Johan to the Anne Frank house and had discussed in basic and broad stroke terms the significance of the place before going there.  He was engaged and interested during our entire visit.

·         Make everything an adventure.  Can’t catch a taxi?  Make it a game!  Stuck in a thunderstorm and drenched?  Point out the puddle for splashing in!

·         Take boat rides whenever possible.  Bring along an extra map for the kid to play pirate ship.

·         Give positive reinforcement.  When the kid is walking nicely and being cooperative, point it out regularly!

·         Accept that you might not make it to every important tourist site while having a kid in tow.  Prioritize the ones you really want to see and be ok with that.

·         Find a playground.

·         Invest in good walking shoes for the kid.  Even though he’ll outgrow them soon, would you really want to walk miles and miles in Target shoes?  No.

·         Buy a bunch of interesting items at the dollar store before travelling and whip them out at various points during travel when the kid is bored and cranky.

·         Ask the kid what he notices-  what smells and looks and tastes different?  What things are the same?

·         Teach the kid a few words of the language of the country.  Little ones saying please and thank you in the local people’s language seems to make smiles inevitable and helps bridge language gaps.

·         Let the kid choose where to go for dinner one night, even if it means everyone has to have mediocre pizza. 

·         Remember how wise little ones can be.  When I asked Johan how he communicated with the Hungarian children he made friends with on the boat ride down the Danube, he said “Well we couldn’t understand each other’s words, so we just wrestled!”  We might all do well to never forget the universal language of roughhouse play. 

 Happy Travels!

Big life changes

2013 is proving to be a big year for us.  In February, Andrew and I got engaged.  At the end of this month we are taking a big transatlantic family trip to Amsterdam and Budapest.  Then, a week after we get home, we are moving across town to our new old house.  Finally, at the end of the summer, Johan starts Kindergarten.  Oh, the places we'll go!

While at times all of this seems daunting, I mostly find it exhilarating.  I was thinking today how I've done this sort of thing before. Like, if there are going to be changes, might as well do them all in one fell swoop!

 For example, in 2003, I graduated from college, went to the DR for Eduardo's fiancé visa interview, moved back to Minnesota, rented an apartment, started a job, and got married in the span of 2 months.

Then, in 2007, I got pregnant, graduated from law school, took the bar exam, bought a house, started law practice, and had a baby.

I'm not sure there's anything profound to say about these things.  It seems to be a pattern that might be overwhelming or seem crazy to some.  To me, though, the newness and excitement get my blood pumping.  It makes me feel alive and so full of anticipation for all the exciting things on the horizon.

So, here we go 2013!  Time to shake things up!

On Rihanna

It’s been a long time since I’ve blogged about pop culture. I have a lot to say about the Kardashians (all good- they entertain me while I exercise!), but today is about Rihanna. On the Grammys a few weeks ago, she sand a ballad called “Stay.” Her voice was sorrowful and beautiful and emotive. But the lyrics go like this:

“All along it was a fever
A cold sweat hot-headed believer
I threw my hands in the air and said, "Show me something,"
He said, "If you dare come a little closer."

Round and around and around and around we go
Oh now tell me now tell me now tell me now you know

Not really sure how to feel about it.
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you.
It takes me all the way.
I want you to stay

Oh the reason I hold on
Oh cause I need this hole gone
Funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving
Cause when you never see the lights it's hard to know which one of us is caving

Not really sure how to feel about it
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you
It takes me all the way
I want you to stay, stay
I want you to stay, oh”

It just made me so sad to hear her sing that. Don’t you think she must be singing to Chris Brown? Everyone at the Grammys applauded and they moved on to something else. But all I could think about is how she’s singing the ballad of abused women. She wants him to stay because she can’t live without him…even though he beats her up. I wondered if she had insight into the song or if she was just singing something her producers gave her, so I searched the song on Wikipedia. She did co-write the song, so it seems she must understand the gravity of the lyrics.

There is a pretty long Wikipedia article about the song but it’s not mentioned even once how autobiographical the song is regarding her abusive relationship with Chris Brown. Or how it is the classic problem with ending an abusive relationship. It just goes around and around and around and you can’t tell who it is that’s broken (the answer is usually both.)

We all know somebody that’s in a relationship they shouldn’t be- whether the abuse is physical or verbal and emotional, the seemingly inescapable black hole is the same. I’ve been in that black hole myself. Eduardo was no Chris Brown, but his depression brought out some not-very-nice qualities in him. And now looking back from the other side of the black hole, I just want to scoop Rihanna up and tell her she can live without him, he shouldn’t stay, that she shouldn't cave, and that she can live without him. I wish somebody at the Grammys would have said that.

It makes me sad.

Political Ellipticals

The other night in the car...

Johan:  "Mama, why do we never get Dominos Pizza?"

Me:  "Because it's gross and because they donate their profits to organizations that don't think women can or should make their own decisions about their bodies.  They want to control what women do with their bodies and that is not our values."

Johan: "ok."

Fast forward to an hour later as I chugged away on the elliptical.  I put my hands on the levers to check my heart rate and momentarily removed them from the moving handles.

Johan:  "Mama, put your arms back so they're moving!"

Me: (panting and sweaty):  "Honey, please don't tell me what to do!  I'm just checking my heart rate!"

Johan:  "I'm not *trying* to be like Dominos!  I'm sorry!"

Me:  "I love you so much."