Today, B.J. and I were talking about love and loss and family and holidays over bowls of hot soup. And he asked me if Thanksgiving was very hard for me this year. And I said, no, not really. Almost all of my closest friends were in town and I had so much fun. (Side note: And this other one is going to be here in less than two weeks. Heart swoons in anticipation.)
B.J. was quiet a moment and then he said, "Most people are supported with 4 or so chair legs to hold them up, and if they lose one, well, things get wobbly. But it seems like you have about 10 chair legs in your life."
Indeed. 10 chair legs. Make no mistake: things still get wobbly, but it's a lot easier to find a new balance when the chair still has 9 legs.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
#Upsides
I apologize in advance for the checklist style format recently. I realize it's a cop out from drafting actual prose, but lists are kind of how my brain has been working recently.
There is a lot of grimy muck in my world right now. Despite that, I am trying to focus on all the good stuff in life. There is plenty. I also find myself thinking about the upsides of this big upheaval. Some of them are petty and small and insignificant, but I think it's helping me through the day. Helping me get to the other side of the mountain, or at least see the view on the other side.
Without further ado, I present to you #TheUpsides. Or, Hashtag: The Upsides...
- I have a lot more closet space. My clothes are lest smushed up and wrinkly, and they are easier to find.
- There is less furniture in the house, which is particularly great in the basement because Johan has a more spacious indoor play area now. And, I am inspired to make it even cooler by having areas for legos/blocks, cars, dinosaurs etc. Having the bigger toys all in the basement will make the main floor of the house less cluttered and there will be more room in Johan's bedroom for his books. All good things.
- I don't ever dread going home, wondering if somebody is going to be in a bad mood or looking for an argument.
- There is no tension in our house. There is no animosity or distant silence. There is just Johan and me playing and laughing and chatting about what to do next. The lack of tension makes me feel more energy to take on fun experiments or random projects with Johan. My heart feels lighter and I am willing to bet Johan's does, too.
- I have a new bed which is just as firm as firm can be. All it needs is a nice plush feather bed to top it, and I will be in business. Even in spite of the turmoil recently, I have been sleeping great and I think it's all because of my new bed.
- No more main floor/living room TV. In college, we never had a TV and it was so peaceful. Well, ok, we had one at the Compound senior year, but Moira made us keep it in Sarah's closet. Finally we tricked her into keeping in the in the living room, but we had to cover it with some sort of belly dancing scarf. Anyway, while living with Eduardo, we have always had too many television sets and have had the TV on too much for my taste. I like a night of Law and Order or Family Guy as much as anyone, but TV can be such an energy-sucker. We still have one in the basement and I have one in my bedroom for watching Friends while I fall asleep, but no more on the main level. Instead, we have music. It is, at the risk of sounding dorky, glorious. I haven't listened to music at home in a long time and I haven't heard a lot of my CDs in years. In the past couple weeks, Johan has heard Manu Chau, Vivaldi, Wyclef for the first time. It puts a smile on my face and a spring in my step. It makes the house feel like a happy home.
There are more #upsides and I will probably share them as I realize them, but for now, that's a pretty good start.
There is a lot of grimy muck in my world right now. Despite that, I am trying to focus on all the good stuff in life. There is plenty. I also find myself thinking about the upsides of this big upheaval. Some of them are petty and small and insignificant, but I think it's helping me through the day. Helping me get to the other side of the mountain, or at least see the view on the other side.
Without further ado, I present to you #TheUpsides. Or, Hashtag: The Upsides...
- I have a lot more closet space. My clothes are lest smushed up and wrinkly, and they are easier to find.
- There is less furniture in the house, which is particularly great in the basement because Johan has a more spacious indoor play area now. And, I am inspired to make it even cooler by having areas for legos/blocks, cars, dinosaurs etc. Having the bigger toys all in the basement will make the main floor of the house less cluttered and there will be more room in Johan's bedroom for his books. All good things.
- I don't ever dread going home, wondering if somebody is going to be in a bad mood or looking for an argument.
- There is no tension in our house. There is no animosity or distant silence. There is just Johan and me playing and laughing and chatting about what to do next. The lack of tension makes me feel more energy to take on fun experiments or random projects with Johan. My heart feels lighter and I am willing to bet Johan's does, too.
- I have a new bed which is just as firm as firm can be. All it needs is a nice plush feather bed to top it, and I will be in business. Even in spite of the turmoil recently, I have been sleeping great and I think it's all because of my new bed.
- No more main floor/living room TV. In college, we never had a TV and it was so peaceful. Well, ok, we had one at the Compound senior year, but Moira made us keep it in Sarah's closet. Finally we tricked her into keeping in the in the living room, but we had to cover it with some sort of belly dancing scarf. Anyway, while living with Eduardo, we have always had too many television sets and have had the TV on too much for my taste. I like a night of Law and Order or Family Guy as much as anyone, but TV can be such an energy-sucker. We still have one in the basement and I have one in my bedroom for watching Friends while I fall asleep, but no more on the main level. Instead, we have music. It is, at the risk of sounding dorky, glorious. I haven't listened to music at home in a long time and I haven't heard a lot of my CDs in years. In the past couple weeks, Johan has heard Manu Chau, Vivaldi, Wyclef for the first time. It puts a smile on my face and a spring in my step. It makes the house feel like a happy home.
There are more #upsides and I will probably share them as I realize them, but for now, that's a pretty good start.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Coming Clean
My thoughts have been somewhat fragmented lately, bouncing about like a small boat in a big ocean. Paragraphs seem daunting. Here's what's up.
...Eduardo and I are divorcing.
...It is the harder better road.
...We are both sad but I think somewhat relieved.
...We both love Johan more than anything and have been working very hard to rise above our own messiness to make things good for him.
...We believe that Johan will be better off with two happy parents living separately than two unhappy parents living together.
...I will continue to live in my house.
...Johan will see both Eduardo and I every week. He will go to his same school. He has dinosaurs at both of his homes.
...Even though I know Johan will be fine, I also know all too well how these decisions will affect and define him for the rest of his life. I hope these experiences will equip him to be strong and resilient. I hope it will make him a person who knows that a family is any group of people who hold each other up. I hope that he will know the courage to make changes when he needs to, knowing that he is surrounded by people who will hold him up when things are rough. I hope he will be a person who can bend and sway. I hope he will be a person who can adapt to a multitude of situations and thrive in it.
...I never thought this would be my life.
...I sort of always knew this would be my life.
...I am humbled and moved by the outpouring of support and love that I have felt from my family, my closest friends, my law partners, and even my staff.
...I am not angry anymore. My soul is a little bruised and battered from the storm, but I am not angry anymore.
...Eduardo and I are divorcing.
...It is the harder better road.
...We are both sad but I think somewhat relieved.
...We both love Johan more than anything and have been working very hard to rise above our own messiness to make things good for him.
...We believe that Johan will be better off with two happy parents living separately than two unhappy parents living together.
...I will continue to live in my house.
...Johan will see both Eduardo and I every week. He will go to his same school. He has dinosaurs at both of his homes.
...Even though I know Johan will be fine, I also know all too well how these decisions will affect and define him for the rest of his life. I hope these experiences will equip him to be strong and resilient. I hope it will make him a person who knows that a family is any group of people who hold each other up. I hope that he will know the courage to make changes when he needs to, knowing that he is surrounded by people who will hold him up when things are rough. I hope he will be a person who can bend and sway. I hope he will be a person who can adapt to a multitude of situations and thrive in it.
...I never thought this would be my life.
...I sort of always knew this would be my life.
...I am humbled and moved by the outpouring of support and love that I have felt from my family, my closest friends, my law partners, and even my staff.
...I am not angry anymore. My soul is a little bruised and battered from the storm, but I am not angry anymore.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Birthday Eve
Tomorrow is Johan's 3rd birthday.
Three years ago tonight, Eduardo and I decided to watch "Knocked Up" and I sat on the couch belly full of baby and mind full of anticipation to meet my son the next day.
He is more wonderful than I ever imagined. The love I have for him is more intense than any I have ever experienced. The richness that Johan brings to me. The peace that I experience when he snuggles up to me. The way my heart soars when his Lund-inherited rubber face scrunches up and his eyes sparkle. In a world that is uncertain, I am certain of this: there is no greater joy to me than loving Johan, than making his world good, than helping him become the person he is meant to be.
Happy Birthday, Pavo. Momma loves you.
Three years ago tonight, Eduardo and I decided to watch "Knocked Up" and I sat on the couch belly full of baby and mind full of anticipation to meet my son the next day.
He is more wonderful than I ever imagined. The love I have for him is more intense than any I have ever experienced. The richness that Johan brings to me. The peace that I experience when he snuggles up to me. The way my heart soars when his Lund-inherited rubber face scrunches up and his eyes sparkle. In a world that is uncertain, I am certain of this: there is no greater joy to me than loving Johan, than making his world good, than helping him become the person he is meant to be.
Happy Birthday, Pavo. Momma loves you.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
The Times They Are A'Changin'
I am in the middle of some big life changes. Hard and uncomfortable changes. Changes that make me wish I was 5 and that other people were in charge of my well-being and my decisions. Changes that make me want to crawl in bed and stay there until Spring. Changes that make me feel lonely and scared and doubtful and lost.
Changes that make me incredibly grateful for the opportunity to be Johan's mom and that reaffirm that he is the best thing/person in my life. Changes that reaffirm my love for my job and my law firm- a place I go for sustenance and strength.
Changes that remind me of the high quality of people in my life: people that will fly across the country for 48 hours just to be there to sit with me and laugh and cry; people that will come home from their honeymoons and spend 2 hours on the phone with me in the middle of the night; people that will drop what they are doing to be there for me. And for Johan. We are damn lucky.
It is hard for me for things to be in limbo. I do well with structure and order. I like answers and I like problems solved. That's not how things are now. There is much unknown and it makes me feel uneasy and uncomfortable. But, so it is. I go to my yoga mat and try to find some internal balance. And I keep going back to this quote.
"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now."
I struggle to love the questions. It doesn't come easy to me. But I am trying. And slowly, slowly I am at least accepting that right now I have to live those questions, even if I don't love to do it.
Changes that make me incredibly grateful for the opportunity to be Johan's mom and that reaffirm that he is the best thing/person in my life. Changes that reaffirm my love for my job and my law firm- a place I go for sustenance and strength.
Changes that remind me of the high quality of people in my life: people that will fly across the country for 48 hours just to be there to sit with me and laugh and cry; people that will come home from their honeymoons and spend 2 hours on the phone with me in the middle of the night; people that will drop what they are doing to be there for me. And for Johan. We are damn lucky.
It is hard for me for things to be in limbo. I do well with structure and order. I like answers and I like problems solved. That's not how things are now. There is much unknown and it makes me feel uneasy and uncomfortable. But, so it is. I go to my yoga mat and try to find some internal balance. And I keep going back to this quote.
"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now."
I struggle to love the questions. It doesn't come easy to me. But I am trying. And slowly, slowly I am at least accepting that right now I have to live those questions, even if I don't love to do it.
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