Control

I like being in control. It's no secret. Ever since I was a kid, I have been bossy. Mostly it's because I have better ideas and ways to implement them...uhhh.....ahem. Yeah. Sometimes things happen that are completely out of my control, and I get very agitated. My palms sweat, I curse, and I feel like I am moving really fast without doing anything.

A friend of mine is in not-great situation and is going to be in the hospital for quite awhile. There is nothing I can do about it. That means I am not in control. Even though this is her and her family's "thing," I have been really worked up about not being able to change anything to make it better. I've done a few incidental and minor tasks like informing professors etc., but it sure doesn't seem enough.

Also, yesterday, while trying to grapple with this situation, a bunch of people from one of my classes refused to cooperate and change schedules in an effort to accommodate my friend's health. I was angrier than I have been in a long time. I was ashamed to be associated with these law students and the legal profession. What good is it to be a good lawyer if you can't be a good person? I tend to think that you can't be a good lawyer without also being a good person. While my friend's predicament was scary,awful and overwhelming, the scheduling mayhem was infuriating and ridiculous. I can handle infuriating and ridiculous. That was one little piece that I could still control. I could be my friend's champion-of-minutiae and think that, in a world that felt like it was spinning out of control in injustice, I could still keep my hands around something.

Today I am calmer. Things are still up in the air, scary, and out of my control. Each day is it's battle. A chance to find something to control. A chance to keep myself in control by letting go, just a little bit.