On Defense

I can be defensive. It's not something I like about myself and it's something that I think about a lot. I think it's related to my deep-seeded need to have the approval of people in my life. I remember in elementary school at a goal-setting conference, my teacher asked me if the approval of my teacher, my parents, or myself was most important. I couldn't choose. I told her that I needed the approval of my teacher, my parents, and myself.

So, right, you're saying, who doesn't like praise and approval?

It's not that I think I or the things I do are perfect. I could write a list of hundreds of mistakes I've made in both my personal and professional life. (That's a blog for another day, though.) I am fairly self-reflective and think I am at least somewhat aware of my strengths and weaknesses. It's more that I worry that critique is criticism. But, I am growing and working very hard to see that critique is an opportunity to learn.

Today I was in an intense meeting with BJ and a couple of clients who had some buyer's remorse about the conclusion of their case. There had been numerous phone calls leading up to this meeting, including the clients accusing me of being racist against Latino people and of lying to them. Since racism and lying are, like, two of my least favorite things, I understandably felt offended by these accusations. As you can imagine, I didn't go in to today's meeting particularly at ease.

BJ took the lead in the meeting today, and I felt like it was a great learning experience. He had an artful way of being matter-of-fact about the work our law firm did and why the results were fair and right, yet he was not defensive. He was clearly in control of the interaction, yet he acknowledged the client concerns and conceded points that were not really important, but allowed the client to feel that he was "winning" on some of the disagreements. More than once, he noted his years of experience but that he was never too experienced to learn something new and make changes for the better.

After the meeting, BJ and I were talking and he pointed out that in many Asian cultures, apologies flow much easier than in the western world. In the law business of course, there's a fine line between apologizing for a misunderstanding and saying you screwed up. (FYI, we did not screw up.) I think the thing that was hard for me was that I didn't even really see this as a misunderstanding but rather, that these clients were trying to pull a fast one by accusing me of untrue things. The problem, of course, is that I was getting nowhere by refusing to acknowledge any error or misunderstanding from my end.

Today BJ took the lead, and by finding the perfect balance of assertiveness without defensiveness, and a willingness to acknowledge that there is always room to learn and grow, the clients signed the papers and at the end, we all shook hands.

This is a successful resolution on many levels. The case is finally resolved and the necessary papers are signed. More importantly, I think the clients feel at least somewhat satisfied with the resolution. Most importantly, I think I gained some important insight about how a person can stand their ground without being defensive, and how a person can acknowledge imperfection without admitting error.