Anxious

My reaction to any sort of medical worry is something more than *white coat syndrome.* It's not fear of procedures or even of pain, it's fear of the unknown. It's not entirely irrational- bad things happen all the time. I've had my share of alarming health situations, personally and involving my family. I wasn't a sickly kid, but had ear tubes twice, my tonsils removed, and my appendix removed- all before age 11. Maybe that set me up for being unable to be rational medical issues. Then, a couple years ago, my Grandpa, with whom I was very close, died quickly and unexpectedly at the same time that my Dad was having an acute health situation. My pregnancy, while joyful and yielding such a wonderful end-product, had it's share of stressers. And finally, Johan's scary ataxia last December was the worst day of my life.

I feel like my anxiety is worse now that I'm a parent. When you are completely responsible for another person's well-being; when a little person depends entirely on you, it gives you an appreciation of your own mortality. And I worry. And self-diagnose. And spend too much time googling health concerns. I am a smart person- able to address complex and difficult situations on a daily basis with a level head- except when it comes to a doctor calling with news of even the slightest abnormal test. When this happens, I crumble and become inconsolable. I become convinced of the worst and cannot imagine any other possibility. My psychologist friend calls that catastrophizing.

I do it. I catastrophize. And it's getting worse. My boss told me he keeps a supply of Xanax around for anxiety attacks - he also has a tendency to self-diagnose cancer and aneurysms (maybe that's why we get along so well?). This week, my doctor suggested getting a mild Rx for some psych medication. My mom pointed out that Xanax is for daily use and builds up in your system and doesn't just halt anxiety on an episodic basis. My wife suggested psych meds might make me crazy. My husband thinks that a combination of yoga and self-medicating with wine should be enough. My dad is in Puerto Rico but says we need to talk about this. I think I agree with all of them.

It's a funny thing- coming to a realization that my reactions to certain situations are not *normal.* Of course it's normal to worry about oneself and one's family's health, but uncontrollable crying and the unstoppable extrapolation that every slight abnormality means certain death is not normal and not healthy. This week at the doctor when I went for some follow up tests, the nurse noted my pulse was racing and my blood pressure was slightly elevated. No effing kidding. But then things are fine, and I go back to my functional, competent, highly-efficient self.

I guess I don't know if this needs intervention beyond yoga, wine, and an online journal. Committing to a medication seems extreme. I wish they made something just for what I need. Think of it as an SAT analogy:


Headache: Advil as Medical-related Anxiety: ____________.


What's the answer? Anyone? Anyone?