I am in the middle of some big life changes. Hard and uncomfortable changes. Changes that make me wish I was 5 and that other people were in charge of my well-being and my decisions. Changes that make me want to crawl in bed and stay there until Spring. Changes that make me feel lonely and scared and doubtful and lost.
Changes that make me incredibly grateful for the opportunity to be Johan's mom and that reaffirm that he is the best thing/person in my life. Changes that reaffirm my love for my job and my law firm- a place I go for sustenance and strength.
Changes that remind me of the high quality of people in my life: people that will fly across the country for 48 hours just to be there to sit with me and laugh and cry; people that will come home from their honeymoons and spend 2 hours on the phone with me in the middle of the night; people that will drop what they are doing to be there for me. And for Johan. We are damn lucky.
It is hard for me for things to be in limbo. I do well with structure and order. I like answers and I like problems solved. That's not how things are now. There is much unknown and it makes me feel uneasy and uncomfortable. But, so it is. I go to my yoga mat and try to find some internal balance. And I keep going back to this quote.
"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now."
I struggle to love the questions. It doesn't come easy to me. But I am trying. And slowly, slowly I am at least accepting that right now I have to live those questions, even if I don't love to do it.
6 comments:
I'm sorry to hear you're going through a rough time. You are a smart and strong woman and a great Mom. I wish you the best and hugs to you from across the miles.
Hey! Just wanted to let you know that I'm still reading and you'll be in my thoughts and prayers. I'm glad work has been a good respite and hope those around you continue to give you lots of support!
You forgot the end of that Rilke quote hun... "Perhaps someday, far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."
That goes along with one of my other all time favorite quotes you can keep in mind, "Life is short, but it's also wide, and like all things, this too shall pass."
Loves Yous!
I love that quote and I love you. I hope things reveal themselves gently.
oh honey, that is a brautiful description of the challenges involved with change. as a kid your mantra is that change is good. but as you know, it's not always easy.
addie, thanks for adding the final words of a quote i had on my desk until i retired. it is smart and spot on. it's truth will become manifest as time passes.
in the mean time know that you are loved and cared for and we will support you and johanito in all things- it's tractor
Hey sweet KBLA. I was thinking of you tonight, hopefully long after bedtime in Mpls, and realized I could read your blog to see what's up in lieu of calling you and waking you up. I'm sorry that times are tough right now and that you're feeling so unsettled. I am thinking of you. Hope we can talk soon.
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