Terremotos and Facebook

Minneapolis better watch out- I've lived here a lot longer than either Hispanola or Chile. Seems that several years after I leave a place, it has a major earthquake? Oh, what? It's not about me? Oh, ok.

I get overly sentimental. I find it an absolutely annoying part of my personality but basically harmless. When I was in Chile in 2002, I didn't love it. To be more precise, there were situations back home that kept me from enjoying it entirely. However, I made some pretty incredible friends there, mostly Americans. Ok, fine. All of them. I spent my time traipsing about the country with some of most fantastic Americans I know. And we had a blast. Wouldn't change a thing about it.

Today, I've been looking through my photo album from Chile. Twenty year old me, Sarah, Roisin, Liv, Jota, Christie. I can't remember vividly the bad feelings I had while in Chile. My pictures certainly don't reflect those. It looks like the time of my life. In some ways, no doubt, it was. Much laughter. Much debauchery. Much freedom. Much adventure.

Then I started to wonder about this friend I had in Chile- the grandson of this old woman that I stayed with when I was in Arica. He was the only Chilean friend I had. I haven't spoken to him since leaving Arica, but I found myself wanting to know what he's doing- hoping he was ok after the earthquake.

Enter Facebook. I pity the fools who grew up pre-Facebook. Like, when you lose touch with someone you might actually never know what becomes of them. Or there might be reunions 50 years later chronicled in novels or on Lifetime Television for Women! Pu-shaw. I have Facebook. Click, click, click. Oh, there he is! Still in Chile. Still playing the guitar. Married! 4 year old daughter! To not be entirely creepy, I sent him a message along with the friend request. Is that actually creepier? No, it seems strange to friend request a real (would this be the appropriate place to use "IRL"?) old friend without actually talking to them. It is entirely unlike accepting the friend requests of people I was never actually friends with. I need to stop accepting those requests in the first place. I would never actually talk to any of those weirdos.

Back to my old Chileno friend. I like knowing where he is. I like being in contact with him again. So, yeah, I get overly sentimental and nostalgic. Earthquakes make me find old friends on Facebook. Maybe if there's some sort of monsoon in Minnesota this summer, I'll actually want to talk to my Facebook non-friends! But, I'll probably have de-friended them by then so I'd have to go back and do new friend requests. Tiresome. Let's hope for calm weather.

"Norwegians are Traditionally Very Graceful Jumpers." - Olympic Announcer

Positivity

This has felt like a rough couple of weeks. I feel things deeply and tend to take things hard, but only for very short periods of time. I think I am pretty resilient. One thing I am trying to improve is my ability to see the good in even things that are difficult. Addie's comment on my last writing talks about this somewhat.

For example, today when I went out to my car after yoga class, my car would not start. It turns out my car needs a new engine that would cost more than the car is worth. And I still owe money on the car.

But as I walked a few blocks to my dad's house and then back to the yoga studio, I made a list of good things about the situation:

- I got to enjoy yoga class

- I wore good walking shoes, even though I wasn't planning on an early morning icy walk.

- I have resources to get my car towed and people around me to help me get where I need to go.

- I have a job where showing up "late" doesn't jeopardize my employment.

- This happened on a day when Johan could stay home with Eduardo, even though that wasn't the plan.

Even after finding out that my car is DOA and I am going to have to scramble to figure out new wheels, and feeling some fierce frustration that accompanies that, I am trying to keep things in perspective. Today my dad sent me this.

This is such fantastic and hopeful news for my dad and my family and anyone living with MS. A pill to make walking easier. There are smart, dedicated people out there creating pills that can help people with MS walk. That can help my dad walk along as Johan learns to ride a bike.

As I am sitting around trying to come up with money I don't have for a car I wasn't planning on buying, feeling a little sorry for myself, I kept going back to this article. And, well, today was a pretty great day after all.

Bad Things (Do NOT) Only Happen to Bad People

In my (not so) secret life, I follow the blogs of Christian mommies. One thing they all have in common is believing that everything happens for a reason. And that their God is directing it all with some grand plan in mind. I sometimes want to believe that everything happens for a reason. It can be a comforting thought when things seem particularly difficult or painful.

But, really, how can it possibly be that everything happens for a reason? If you subscribe to that theory, doesn't that mean that bad things happen because someone deserved it? Because someone was bad?

In senior year of high school, several of my friends and I took a class called Theory of Knowledge. Many of the brightest students in my high school were part of the class as it was required to get the IB diploma (don't feel like going into that now and most people that read this either a) have an IB diploma or b) know what it is). One day during a philosophical discussion in class, one of the guys I thought was particularly bright said that bad things don't happen to good people. At the time, I found it so offensive. Really? Did he really think that? As an aside, it turns out this guy is extremely bright (think Ivy League including a Post Doc at Harvard. Yeah.)

Anyway, when he said that, I felt a firm conviction that I believe the exact opposite. Sometimes horrible things happen to very good people. In fact, most bad things that occur happen to good people. There are a lot of bad things. More bad things that bad people, certainly. And there are a lot of good people. I will venture to say that most people qualify as good. Not necessarily smart, funny, and of strong conviction (which are my top criteria for friendship) but nonetheless, good. So, if you believe that, then it is only logical that bad things happen to good people. And if bad things happen to good people, what kind of God is out there directing that?

As I write this, I am pretty sure I have blogged something very similar before. This seems to be a recurring theme that I ponder: how I cannot reconcile wanting to believe that things happen for a reason and the reality that a lot of bad things happen to good people.

Derailed

I have a tendency to have episodes of irrational anxiety. Some of it is at least explainable- I have quite a lot of anxiety around doctors. I don't want them to tell me I am dying. I don't want to be vulnerable. And speaking of vulnerable, don't even get me started on Camel pose at yoga. Heart raised above head and arms thrown back? What if the T-rex rips my insides out?




See what I mean?

Stranger, though, is the anxiety I have leading up to deposing doctors. It's stupid. There are things much more challenging about my job. Judges! Juries! Insane Clients With Unrealistic Expectations! None of that phases me. But for days leading up to deposing a doctor, I don't sleep well and I'm on edge.

My anxiety then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy of madness. And things that are not that big of a deal feel overwhelming.

That chiropractor's assistant says that I'm not calling clients back?

Ordinary reaction: Well, she's lying. Which clients? I'll call them right now and verify everything is fine.

Pre-doctor deposition reaction: Why is nothing I do enough? How can I spend 50 hours a week working my ass off and still not be doing it right? Is this how everyone sees me? Will everyone believe what she says and I will be first marginalized and then fired?

Yep, that's right. It's absolutely insane. Today one of my law partners (technically partner but really still my boss) commented that I am so brave in everything I do and that this is such a strange thing to allow to derail me. Strange indeed. Fortunately, I tend to bounce back quickly and am back on the rails within a day or so.

And I am reminded that I need to go back to my yoga mat and find camel pose until I can depose a doctor without becoming derailed. Even for a day.