Derailed

I have a tendency to have episodes of irrational anxiety. Some of it is at least explainable- I have quite a lot of anxiety around doctors. I don't want them to tell me I am dying. I don't want to be vulnerable. And speaking of vulnerable, don't even get me started on Camel pose at yoga. Heart raised above head and arms thrown back? What if the T-rex rips my insides out?




See what I mean?

Stranger, though, is the anxiety I have leading up to deposing doctors. It's stupid. There are things much more challenging about my job. Judges! Juries! Insane Clients With Unrealistic Expectations! None of that phases me. But for days leading up to deposing a doctor, I don't sleep well and I'm on edge.

My anxiety then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy of madness. And things that are not that big of a deal feel overwhelming.

That chiropractor's assistant says that I'm not calling clients back?

Ordinary reaction: Well, she's lying. Which clients? I'll call them right now and verify everything is fine.

Pre-doctor deposition reaction: Why is nothing I do enough? How can I spend 50 hours a week working my ass off and still not be doing it right? Is this how everyone sees me? Will everyone believe what she says and I will be first marginalized and then fired?

Yep, that's right. It's absolutely insane. Today one of my law partners (technically partner but really still my boss) commented that I am so brave in everything I do and that this is such a strange thing to allow to derail me. Strange indeed. Fortunately, I tend to bounce back quickly and am back on the rails within a day or so.

And I am reminded that I need to go back to my yoga mat and find camel pose until I can depose a doctor without becoming derailed. Even for a day.